Norma and the Cucumber Salad

I once had a grandma named Norma, who was atrocious. To this day, I still am repulsed by most things that remind me of her: strawberries as decoration, Elvis, hamburger, perms, carpet in the kitchen, porcelain dolls, and fake flowers in the yard.

She looked and sounded Roz like from Monsters, Inc.-- but without the glasses. Whenever we pulled through a drive-thru, the person on the intercom would say, "Thank you sir. Please pull around."

From smoking two packs of cigarettes a day, she developed laryngitis and emphysema. Because of these conditions, she was forced to use an oxygen tank. But even being hooked up to a highly inflammable machine, wouldn't stop her from smoking.

To avoid getting up from the kitchen table, she would wheel a television in between the doorway of the living room and kitchen. She would then proceed to play Dr. Mario, in a sheer-thin cotton moo moo, covered in burn holes, all while smoking a cigarette and doing her oxygen treatment. Mind you, she didn't have teeth and was on the heavy side of hoosier.

One day, she dozed off while multi-tasking and... BOOM!

Oxygen tank blows up in our kitchen.

In addition to the greatest firework I've ever seen, she also gave me this recipe for cucumber salad.

What you'll need:

1 large cucumber, peeled and sliced thin
1/2 red onion, thinly sliced
1/2 pint of grape tomatoes, sliced long ways
3 Tablespoons of white vinegar
2 Tablespoons of olive oil
1 Tablespoon of sugar
Dash of salt and pepper

In a Tupperware bowl, toss in the sliced cucumber, onion, and tomatoes.

In a separate bowl, add the vinegar, olive oil, and sugar. Shake until mixed and then pour over the cucumber mixture. Top with salt and pepper.

Shake the cucumber mixture, with a lid on, and then refrigerate for a few hours.

If you're thinking that there isn't enough liquid... have no fear! The cucumber will break down in the mixture and it will be nice and juicy.

Slurp and Good Riddance.