I have Austin Powers teeth. Ever since I can remember, I have hated my teeth. When I was younger, I had an extreme overbite, a gap between my two front teeth, and a baby tooth that hung out behind one of my big teeth that was too scared to play.
At the end of 5th grade, I got braces, which was a big deal because my parents were divorced and didn't make much money. I had the braces on for three years, until the end of 8th grade. After they were removed, I was given one of those plastic molding-kind-of retainers, similar to a teeth whitening tray. When the braces were removed, we left for Atlanta that summer. My first morning there, I melted the retainer by rinsing it in too warm of water. Since my dad threw a fit about paying the balance to have my braces removed, I didn't say anything about the retainer.
Over time, they've shifted a little bit. But within the last 5 years, they have shifted a lot, all of a sudden. I never had my wisdom teeth removed and all of my bottom teeth have crowded in the front.
I joke around on here a lot about my "villager teeth." I know that when people see me in person, they are worse than what they seem like in pictures. Me just putting it out there is kind of my way of coping with it-- making jokes. And I won't lie, my life was kind of made when Brin pointed out that when she googled villager teeth, my blog had the first google image.
So before I turn 30, I decided that I was going to do something about fixing them. I had an appointment a few months ago to have my wisdom teeth removed, but ended up cancelling it that same day when I found out they don't put people under during the extraction. I need to be put under. I need to be drunk in La La Land.
In the meantime, I found an oral surgeon who will put me under and had my consultation this past Monday. After he looked at my x-rays, he said that I have one of the highest risks for permanent numbness and all of these nerve issues. I have one that is lodged on its side, one that has grown through a nerve area, and two that are so deep in a small canal that he will have to CUT BONE out of both sides of my mouth. Cut mother f'in' BONE.
Ya'll know my anxiety is always a 10. So just imagine him telling me all of this, while my chest breaks out in red blotches the way it does when I watch Homeland or people argue politics.
As we were talking, I told him that I was having these removed so that I could get braces. I had a consultation for invisalign awhile back, but my insurance wouldn't cover it. They would however cover almost all of my braces.
When I told him about the braces, he recommended that he use a BONE CUTTER on my bottom teeth. Basically, by going through and drilling little holes between all of my lower teeth, it will decrease the amount of time I have to wear braces by around 50%. Whatever it does to the bones, accelerates the realignment with braces.
At this point, I am full on sweating. I don't think I was making eye contact. I can handle pain-- I delivered a 9 pound, 9 ounce baby without drugs after 16 hours of labor. But I cannot handle needles. Whenever I see an IV, I also see Jesus for a few moments, before coming back to life.
That's when he asked me if I had anxiety. I was like, "yeah, duh, I am a 10 all time." So he wrote me an anti anxiety prescription to take before the surgery.
All of this is going down the day after Christmas. I am off work until the 2nd, so I thought it was the best time to be able to recover without using time away. My in-laws are going to keep the kids for a few days after Christmas, so that I can lay around and binge watch Breaking Bad while doped up on painkillers.
Then on January 17th, I have my consultation for the braces. I am trying to think of something more awkward than a chubby adult in clear braces, but I am blanking out at the moment. All I know is that it's hasta la vista to the snaggle tooth.
I am so happy with my family, my friends, and my job. I love my eyes, my big ass, and how amazing I am at cleaning. I just want the teeth that go with that package.
If all of the teeth talk is grossing you out, my friend Jessi from The Girl Who Thought Too Much is hosting a Christmas giveaway through tomorrow.
I featured Jessi on my instagram yesterday because she is such an amazing fitness role model. Her before and after pictures are some of my favorite and she already has quite the following. Jessi is a hairdresser by day, gym rat at night. She is fun, uplifting, and shedding weight every day. Please hop on over and visit her page HERE and be sure to add her on instagram (ms_st4tus).
What are your favorite features?
What is one thing you wish you could change?