Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Shag Me, Baby

I have Austin Powers teeth. Ever since I can remember, I have hated my teeth. When I was younger, I had an extreme overbite, a gap between my two front teeth, and a baby tooth that hung out behind one of my big teeth that was too scared to play.

At the end of 5th grade, I got braces, which was a big deal because my parents were divorced and didn't make much money. I had the braces on for three years, until the end of 8th grade. After they were removed, I was given one of those plastic molding-kind-of retainers, similar to a teeth whitening tray. When the braces were removed, we left for Atlanta that summer. My first morning there, I melted the retainer by rinsing it in too warm of water. Since my dad threw a fit about paying the balance to have my braces removed, I didn't say anything about the retainer.

Over time, they've shifted a little bit. But within the last 5 years, they have shifted a lot, all of a sudden. I never had my wisdom teeth removed and all of my bottom teeth have crowded in the front.

I joke around on here a lot about my "villager teeth." I know that when people see me in person, they are worse than what they seem like in pictures. Me just putting it out there is kind of my way of coping with it-- making jokes. And I won't lie, my life was kind of made when Brin pointed out that when she googled villager teeth, my blog had the first google image.



So before I turn 30, I decided that I was going to do something about fixing them. I had an appointment a few months ago to have my wisdom teeth removed, but ended up cancelling it that same day when I found out they don't put people under during the extraction. I need to be put under. I need to be drunk in La La Land.

In the meantime, I found an oral surgeon who will put me under and had my consultation this past Monday. After he looked at my x-rays, he said that I have one of the highest risks for permanent numbness and all of these nerve issues. I have one that is lodged on its side, one that has grown through a nerve area, and two that are so deep in a small canal that he will have to CUT BONE out of both sides of my mouth. Cut mother f'in' BONE.

Ya'll know my anxiety is always a 10. So just imagine him telling me all of this, while my chest breaks out in red blotches the way it does when I watch Homeland or people argue politics. 

As we were talking, I told him that I was having these removed so that I could get braces. I had a consultation for invisalign awhile back, but my insurance wouldn't cover it. They would however cover almost all of my braces.

When I told him about the braces, he recommended that he use a BONE CUTTER on my bottom teeth. Basically, by going through and drilling little holes between all of my lower teeth, it will decrease the amount of time I have to wear braces by around 50%. Whatever it does to the bones, accelerates the realignment with braces.

At this point, I am full on sweating. I don't think I was making eye contact. I can handle pain-- I delivered a 9 pound, 9 ounce baby without drugs after 16 hours of labor. But I cannot handle needles. Whenever I see an IV, I also see Jesus for a few moments, before coming back to life.

That's when he asked me if I had anxiety. I was like, "yeah, duh, I am a 10 all time." So he wrote me an anti anxiety prescription to take before the surgery.

All of this is going down the day after Christmas. I am off work until the 2nd, so I thought it was the best time to be able to recover without using time away. My in-laws are going to keep the kids for a few days after Christmas, so that I can lay around and binge watch Breaking Bad while doped up on painkillers.

Then on January 17th, I have my consultation for the braces. I am trying to think of something more awkward than a chubby adult in clear braces, but I am blanking out at the moment. All I know is that it's hasta la vista to the snaggle tooth.

I am so happy with my family, my friends, and my job. I love my eyes, my big ass, and how amazing I am at cleaning. I just want the teeth that go with that package.

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If all of the teeth talk is grossing you out, my friend Jessi from The Girl Who Thought Too Much is hosting a Christmas giveaway through tomorrow.



 I featured Jessi on my instagram yesterday because she is such an amazing fitness role model. Her before and after pictures are some of my favorite and she already has quite the following. Jessi is a hairdresser by day, gym rat at night. She is fun, uplifting, and shedding weight every day. Please hop on over and visit her page HERE and be sure to add her on instagram (ms_st4tus)


What are your favorite features? 
What is one thing you wish you could change?



52 comments:

  1. I just recently got adult braces! I got the American Orthodontics Empower 22 (?) and they are ridiculously clear. Half of my family and friends haven't even noticed them and I've had them for two weeks. And the bone cutter he's talking about using...freaky but it will definitely cut the time in half. Apparently when the braces initially are put on, the longest part of waiting for them to move back into place is parts of the bone have to "break away" from their initial state..or something like that. I'm obviously no ortho but I do drink a lot of wine and youtube/google everything so i'm practically an expert on everything. Good luck!

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  2. I'm so excited for you! I know that sounds crazy but I feel you on the teeth situation because mine are horrible. It only took me about 5 years to finally go through with the wisdom teeth thing. Hopefully before another 5 years is up I will brave the ortho consult. Now I have to go Google this bone cutter thing and take my anxiety up a notch!

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  3. I would love to get a nose job but my daughter is a mini-me and there is no way I can raise her to be confident and strong without giving her a complex cause mommy got a new nose

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  4. Oh Miss Holly. I'm not going to lie I had a panic attack reading that. I'll be thinking of you. Eekkk. Fav feature- hmm probably my hair. One I would like to change -mommy tummy and boobs. Lol shocker there.

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  5. I'll be thinking about you Holly! It will be ok. I had terrible teeth as a kid and about 5 years of dental work. I had to get my wisdom teeth out when I was 19 and mine were really bad also...I had chipmunk cheeks for a few days but it was ok. I find it disturbing that some places don't put people completely out!!! Good luck!

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  6. I'll have soft foods and the most comfy spot in the living room waiting for you on Sunday.

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  7. More awkward than an adult with clear braces? Wearing black dress socks with crocs and athletic shorts, My hubby does it all the time so he's got you beat. Glad you're confident about everything else and doing something to make you happy! Pass the anti anxiety meds!

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  8. Good luck to you with all of these! Please let me know if you need anything. I have a friend who is slightly older than us who has adult braces- and he totally rocks them. I know you will too!

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  9. Regardless of the topic, you have the best writing style! I'm laughing over here as I read about bone cutting teeth (and one of my biggest fear is something happening to my teeth - it freaks me out!).

    I'm really excited for you! I know how it feels to be so happy with so many things in your life, but having one thing (for me, my weight!) hanging over your head. It will be worth all the anxiety!

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  10. I need to get up the nerve to consult an ortho for adult clear braces. I want the invisalign but it's not covered by my insurance either

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  11. I like you a lot. That's all I wanted to say. On the scale of badness I'm going to say villager teeth are worse than adult in braces.

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  12. I have a very gummy smile :( I actually got to the point of a surgeon about 'tooth lengthening' (basically they cut the gum away to expose the real tooth that is hiding under) but then it escalated into needing braces to my one turned tooth that would be more prominent and then whitening of course. It just snowballed and I ended up with a small panic attack.

    so yeah, mine is dental as well.

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  13. Holla at your "sideways impacted" sista! It was terrible, but I lived. For the love of God don't sip soup like they tell you to or the clots will come out and you'll be left with dry sockets. I want you to legit pour things into your mouth- liquid diet ftw! Enjoy the anxiety pill, and maybe consider getting a perscription. I am a 10 all the time, too and I call them my "sprinkles." I take half a pill if something causes me to break out into a cold sweat and a full pill when my hands go numb because my blood pressure is sky high. Its a nice option to have if you've ever had an "attack"

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  14. my mom was a blessing to us (3) to be able to give us all braces!! I would take your teeth over my before teeth anyday! I was picked on so bad about them before braces!

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  15. I too have overcrowding on my lower teeth. I just have a really small mouth. I had my wisdom teeth surgically removed (and yes I was out like a light) just a few years ago. I want straight teeth and will one day have adult braces to correct them. Good luck girl!

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  16. SEDATION ALL THE WAYYYYYY! In fact...it's the ONLY way.
    I get gassed for a cleaning. Needles freak me out & I cry when they take my blood pressure.
    Titty babies unite!

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  17. Oh my! The dentist and I are not BFF's either.. Though after reading all that I will stop whinnying about my own extraction scheduled New Years Eve...

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  18. I've had bone from my jaw taken out for an oral surgery I had years ago. I was OUT so I don't remember anything, thank god. My jaw was a little sore afterwards but not terrible. I hate the dentist too, I've been traumatized with braces TWICE, surgeries, etc. Good luck!!! My anxiety is pretty high too. I get red and blotchy when I'm embarrassed or when people stare at me :-/

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  19. My sister did the invisalign and never wore them like she was suppose to. So now she is wearing clear braces. She works in a dental office btw. And she jokes non stop about how she looks like a 6th grader but the time will fly by and you will have beautiful teeth! Which I actually think I am pretty jealous of your top set as it is. They are dang near perfect. Are you going to be wearing a full set or just on the bottom?

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  20. OMG I am so excited for you I can't stand it. Plan on me coming over that weekend to take care of you AKA giving you vodka on pain killers... hahahaha. Kidding... but yes I want to come help.. Mwah!

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  21. Can I just say how deathly terrified I am of the dentist? I ended up getting Invisalign when we first got engaged in 2011, and I honestly wish I would have just went the braces route. I had braces in junior high, but basically the same thing happened with me (well, I didn't wear my retainer like I should have, plus my ortho left my damn wisdom teeth in which ended up getting taken out in college...yada yada yada no retainer..I was lazy...too busy drinking..lots of regrets). But anyway, long story short, as much as I loved my Invisalign I still have flaws with my teeth and I'm overly self conscious (and anxious...about 150% of things occurring on a daily basis) about them anyway because of how jacked up they became over the years. I'm REALLY excited for you! You are beautiful no matter what but I know how much better I felt afterwards about myself. I'm no longer trying to tilt my head justtttttt right for family photos so that I don't look at the photo in utter embarrassment afterwards. :)

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  22. "I am so happy with my family, my friends, and my job. I love my eyes, my big ass, and how amazing I am at cleaning"--best line of the whole thing. Best of luck to you with your oral surgery, and hope your recovery is short and sweet (and pampered).

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  23. Good luck! I got braces when I was 20 and wore them for a little over three years. The best investment I ever made was a permanent retainer on my bottom teeth. I have heard people complain of getting food trapped in their's but I never had a problem with mine. I'm a freak about brushing my teeth so I brush about 3 times a day, LOL!

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  24. You are an incredible writer, Holly! How you can take this not funny or fun situation and turn it into the most hilarious blog post is amazing. Love reading your blog every day! Had my 4 wisdom teeth out about 8 years ago, all 4 were deeply impacted and 1 was on its side- good times! I don't remember being in any pain at all after the surgery- AND my mom (I was 16) wouldn't allow me to take anything but ibuprofen! You'll be just fine! :)

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  25. You're so good at joking about it all, because I'm sitting here laughing out loud! Lots of luck tho, I remember how much it sucked to have both braces and wisdom teeth out. Good news is, you'll survive!

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  26. Every post of yours that I read, I find myself laughing hysterically! I give you lots of props for getting braces as an adult! I am in the same exact situation of you with having had braces years ago and not having all sorts of "villager teeth" issues. But I haven't found the balls in my pants to go out and get them fixed! Maybe you'll be my inspiration! :) Best of luck with your wisdom teeth procedure! I will pray for a fast recovery for you! I hope regardless of the anxiety for the procedure, that you are able to enjoy your time off as well as have a very Merry Christmas!

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  27. hahahahahaha. I love you.
    That is all. :)

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  28. There are oral surgeons who don't put people under for wisdom teeth surgery? Good god! I'd like sedation for a regular cleaning, I HATE HATE HATE having things in my mouth. Uggh. Glad you found someone who will put you under!

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  29. I got my wisdom teeth removed the day after Christmas when I was 15. It wasn't as bad as I expected it to be. And, good move on the anti-anxiety meds before the surgery. I have been known to pass out because of needles, so I feel on that one. Good luck and consume all the ice cream in sight while your jaw is healing!

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  30. Goodness girl, I had my wisdom teeth removed when I was like 18 and was thankfully sound asleep :). Hope everything goes good for ya

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  31. I had braces for two years in high school; my teeth have shifted slightly but nothing too bad. I have one wisdom tooth in my whole head and it's 'way up there' so I'm safe. For now. Fingers crossed. My son, who is 12, needs braces and I'm searching to find an ortho on my dental plan. Oy vey.
    Good luck w/your surgery and I want to see the video of you singing something silly when you're out of surgery and still in the doped-up stage. {Are you reading this HJ??}
    xoxo
    Rachel

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  32. If you can deliver a giant baby without drugs, this will be NOTHING. Just watch out for dry sockets, I had one on each side, and my life was MISERABLE for about 4 days. I also puked in my friend's car on the way home...so make sure you have something to get sick in just in case. :)

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  33. I know you're a follower of my blog now and I decided to grab your button and add it to my blog. You're hilarious! I have had so many troubles with my teeth. I had six cavities in one visit (we can blame orange juice and my penchant for trying to eat "healthy". Apparantly, you're supposed to brush your teeth after drinking orange juice or you'll end up with six cavities.) Recently, I've had two major mouth surgeries:crown lengthening and gum graft. Both were with the periodontist and both were absolutely awful (sadly this wasn't my first dealing with the gum choppers of a periodontist.) When my wisdom teeth were removed, the lovely dentist let me drive home completely hopped up on drugs (bad dentist.) Once home, I tried to take the medicine that I was prescribed and found that I couldn't swallow. As panic was setting in, I called my mom and she came home to the rescue. There is no way she could understand me of course. If you can't swallow, then you probably can't talk either. Maybe I could have planned that better but it does make for a good story. Good luck with the teeth. I promise you mine are way worse and much more painful than yours. Esther Norine Designs

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  34. I am so excited that you are going to do this. I, too, am SO self conscious about my teeth. My only options are considered "cosmetic" (hello veneers) so I have to pay for them entirely out of pocket and I just can't make myself do it yet. It's my dream if I ever come into a somewhat significant amount of money though. People always notice a smile, so I feel like it's the worst when you're not comfortable with yours, you know? I'll be sending good vibes for a speedy recovery your way. I had to have my wisdom teeth broken into pieces when they were removed they were so jacked up, but I did okay and I"m sure you will too! But ditto on what somebody else above said and make sure you have a bucket nearby, I got really sick after. GOOD LUCK!

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  35. God my anxiety was at a 10 right there with you just hearing about it!! Good luck, thankfully I was put under to have mine removed, but I did get a dry socket which was TERRIBLE so make sure you really follow their after-care instructions carefully!!

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  36. My goodness woman, this is giving me anxiety and I'm not even the one going through it! I never had braces either but luckily my teeth are (relatively) ok... my sister, on the other hand, has a train wreck of a mouth / teeth and my parents never could afford braces for her. Seeing how much people are bothered and affected by their teeth, I've always vowed that my kids will never go without! It's not cheap by any means, but I'm doing it. It'll be worth it. Actually, right has his braces on right now and I'm quite sure he didn't even need them... chalk that $2,800 up to a mom who wanted to make sure her son didn't have any insecurity issues later in life!;)

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  37. Whenever I see an IV, I also see Jesus for a few moments, before coming back to life.

    I seriously love you.
    You are so brave.
    Dear lord I'm sweating just reading this.
    Before and after pics?

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  38. If it makes you feel any better, my 17 year old cousin has to get her jaw wired shut for a few months. She is getting surgery to fix her jaw alignment-- she is developing a jay leno jaw. This girl also had to wear a back brace for 2 years for scoliosis. Good luck with the surgery. I got my wisdom teeth removed the day after Christmas too but it was just the normal good time pulling kind.

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  39. ugh. I hate dental work. I have to have a tooth EXTRACTED and replaced with an implant. I am only 32 effing years old. And I floss, and I'm loosing a mother effing tooth.

    Good for you for moving forward with it all, you deserve it!

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  40. Ugh, that all sounds very painful! I hope all goes well.

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  41. my only piece of advice here:::if you have a lot of bleeding after you get the teeth out, put a wet tea bag in the back of your mouth on each side. Stops it quickly! Good luck!

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  42. Like I always say. There is nothing adult about adult acne. Same goes for braces. I had them for 5 years and I hated every minute of it.

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  43. Oh my goodness! That sounds awful! On the bright side, you should eat all the Christmas things now since I'm sure you will lose it fast from your jaw hurting from surgery. ;)

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  44. I have serious anxiety when it comes to the dentist! I had to have my wisdom teeth extracted earlier this year, and I have an emergency surgery scheduled for this Friday to have another tooth extracted that apparently cracked when they pulled my wisdom teeth that cant be saved. I wish you luck during your surgery and know that you are not alone in being afraid of the dentist. Or needles. Definitely the needles. I am breaking out in hives all over my chest just thinking about it! I have a snaggle tooth that could use some braces, but I cant bring myself to do it. So congrats for you going and consulting and such about it! All I do is complain and be self conscious!

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  45. I have been working at an ortho office for over 10 years now...you would be surprised at how many adults there are. I am not a huge fan of the "clear" brackets...they are made of glass and tend to break easy leaving you with sharp brackets that cut ur cheeks and lips, very hard to remove at the debanding (when you get them off) and tend to have more friction...and the friction leads to slower tooth movement...have never heard of the bone cutting....makes sense but might want to talk to the ortho before you do it...I am not trying to be a downer about anything you are doing cause hello I LOVE TEETH AND HAPPY TEETH MAKE HAPPY PEOPLE:) just think about it all before you get the clear ones:)

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  46. you are so brave! tell me what you like, i will send you some goodies that you can eat when you recover!

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  47. I am so glad that someone else has a similar feeling when it comes to needles. IV or getting blood drawn are my seeing Jesus moments. I am also not too keen on the dentist, but I would do that any day over getting my blood drawn. I hope you have a quick recovery and thanks for making us all laugh over your stressful situation.

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  48. I just had a minor panic attack reading the description of the surgery...glad you found someone to knock you!!!

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  49. Needles (well, just walking into a doctor's office actually) send me into a panic attacks too. I had my bottom wisdom teeth removed when I was 22 and the top a few years ago when I was 30. Hydrocodone is amazing....I never felt any pain, just happy, happy, happy :o)

    Best of luck to you. I'll be thinking about ya. And make sure Hubby Jack has his phone handy in case you put on a show while coming out of anesthesia ;o)

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  50. I had braces for four years, whew that was a long time and I was so embarrassed to still have them at 18 years old. I got a permanent retainer on my bottom teeth but nothing on my top. So I know how that goes!!! I don't think I ever wore my top retainer LOL!!

    I waited far too long to get my wisdom teeth out and that was AWFUL. I had a panic attack about the surgery as well. It wasn't as horrible as I thought it would be but it wasn't dandy either. They took some bone out and it took FOREVER to heal. Make a huge batch of soup before you go in and prepare to be down for a bit for recovery.

    GOOD LUCK!!!

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  51. I've always said that before I get married I'm going to get braces (I always asked but never got them) and a boob job....maybe that's why after 5 years B still hasn't proposed. Good luck with your extractions today!

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  52. Thinking of you Holly! Hope everything went well and all you feel is the high from your Meds!

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